sketchbook (addendum)
Feb. 2nd, 2007 02:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
egypturnashThis is one I missed in yesterday's batch of scans. I think I missed it due to needing to fill in some of the blacks in the computer - they were left out because it was on the spread immediately after the Escheresque thing, and I didn't want to have huge black spots in the middle of that.
This one helps justify the last image scanned in that set, with the weird little poem fragment about "hiding my face behind my hands/behind a mask"; that was a bit of a theme of that evening's scribbling, including a few drawings I didn't scan because they never quite cohered. It was something of a theme of the state I fell into at Esther and Jon's place, the night after the con, as well - tired and a little disassociated, I curled up with Nick on their futon and spun some fantasies of being an empty, hollow shell of a doll-thing. Having to be social all day for several days in a row isn't something I'm used to at all any more.
This is something of an ongoing theme in my work lately, really. The social mask. I can do it, sometimes it's even fun, but it's something I have to put on; it's something I have to consciously try to wear. It's easier than it was when I was a self-hating boy, and maybe with practice it'll even feel natural someday.
The first image in that set feels like something I should finish. I can pretend to be approachable and sociable sometimes. It's easier when there's people I know around, it's easier in domains with more room for weirdness. And I'm even a pretty nice, sweet person on some low level. But a lot of what's inside is just seething, sideways, weirdness that can barely communicate with anyone else, and is afraid to try doing it without intense filters lest it be revealed, and driven away for being so alien.
Maybe it's just the human condition to be like that. I dunno. Alienation is a perennial subject to explore, after all. How can I compare the stress of building and wearing my social mask with the stress involved in yours? How much of it is the same stuff that spurs people to the various kinds of inhuman roles in the larger constellation around "the furry fandom" - furrys, robots, aliens, otherkin, weres, and all the other ways to say 'I don't understand you humans'?
all in all, I'm pretty glad I don't have to pretend to be "human" around my boyfriends, most of the time. I don't think I'd be in this relationship if I had to.
This one helps justify the last image scanned in that set, with the weird little poem fragment about "hiding my face behind my hands/behind a mask"; that was a bit of a theme of that evening's scribbling, including a few drawings I didn't scan because they never quite cohered. It was something of a theme of the state I fell into at Esther and Jon's place, the night after the con, as well - tired and a little disassociated, I curled up with Nick on their futon and spun some fantasies of being an empty, hollow shell of a doll-thing. Having to be social all day for several days in a row isn't something I'm used to at all any more.
This is something of an ongoing theme in my work lately, really. The social mask. I can do it, sometimes it's even fun, but it's something I have to put on; it's something I have to consciously try to wear. It's easier than it was when I was a self-hating boy, and maybe with practice it'll even feel natural someday.
The first image in that set feels like something I should finish. I can pretend to be approachable and sociable sometimes. It's easier when there's people I know around, it's easier in domains with more room for weirdness. And I'm even a pretty nice, sweet person on some low level. But a lot of what's inside is just seething, sideways, weirdness that can barely communicate with anyone else, and is afraid to try doing it without intense filters lest it be revealed, and driven away for being so alien.
Maybe it's just the human condition to be like that. I dunno. Alienation is a perennial subject to explore, after all. How can I compare the stress of building and wearing my social mask with the stress involved in yours? How much of it is the same stuff that spurs people to the various kinds of inhuman roles in the larger constellation around "the furry fandom" - furrys, robots, aliens, otherkin, weres, and all the other ways to say 'I don't understand you humans'?
all in all, I'm pretty glad I don't have to pretend to be "human" around my boyfriends, most of the time. I don't think I'd be in this relationship if I had to.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 08:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 08:56 pm (UTC)I dunno if I'd have gotten this weird and metaphorical. I have, sometimes. It depends on my mood, the situation, and all kinds of things.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 12:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 06:03 pm (UTC)I am slightly autistic so I often feel uncomfortable in social situations, I can wear a social mask of a friendly, interested person for a while, but I can´t keep it up for long - I just invent a excuse and leave...I often get the feeling that I have been dropped off on this weird planet from some UFO...(Some other people I know thinks that too!)