another weird day
Apr. 28th, 2005 04:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
egypturnashIt's been a funky week, stretching back into the end of the previous one. I hope today signalled the end of this.
There were several bits of drama stirred up, a bit of Not Being There For Someone When They Needed It that really ached when I found out about it later, a party that looked good but wasn't, and a couple of things I'd been keeping inside and holding on to that I never should have finally came out. Noisily and at length.
Things seem to be calm with me now. I can actually try to get things done again instead of brooding. I think I lost about two weeks, at least, to brooding. Maybe three. No art, no job-hunting stuff, just brooding. Some moments of brief delightful happy creativity, but ones set in brooding and evasiveness.
This is a habit I really need to kick. I don't think it's ever helped anything at all, it's just resulted in time wasted, opportunities lost, and made things worse when what I'm brooding about finally boils over.
I say that one reason I haven't thrown resumes and reels around the places that might employ an animator in the Bay Area is that I look back at my possible reel and hate it - it's all Flash crap, full of the limits of the media, most of it more limited by being for the web, with little of me in it because of the division of labor in Spümcø's methods. That it's all stuff I did when I was a depressed shard of self-hate boy and looking at it reminds me of that time.
I bet I'm just lying to myself when I say this. What's the real reason, Peggy?
I got a brief phone call from an ex-Spümcø person. Seems Kevin is working at Frederator now. I'm glad he found some work after the studio ended. Rumor also puts John K at his father's home now. Not so good. I hope he's doing alright. I learned a lot from lurking in the shadows of his studio, watching him draw. Some of his style is obvious in mine, like the crazy way I sometimes do hands, most of it isn't anything that says "I learnt to draw from John K" but I got a lot of my philosophy of how to manage one's diverse and contradictory influences from analyzing his drawings. I'd e-mailed him a couple weeks ago about something silly - thanking him for accidentally teaching me the basics of yodelling, of all things - and signed it "Peggy, formerly Paul". He hasn't written back and I dunno if I expect him to.
I guess my suspicion when I visited before leaving LA was right, and Spümcø is over. I feel like it should affect me more, like I should go over the good times and bad now, but really, everything after WPH for me was a litany of wasted opportunities and poor performances. (Well, I guess I did just reminisce, what with going back up and writing that stuff about John, and the stuff below here, after I said I should reminisce.)
I mean, the head of the US layout team asked me when I was gonna do a layout test early on in the new R&S, and I just curled up and gloomed and put it off. If I'd gotten some self-belief going and just done it I'm sure I'd have managed to do it by after a couple of goes. But I hated all my attempts before I even began them.
I had Ralph Bakshi rave over some of my art and story concepts while I was there. Ralph fucking Bakshi. One of my idols in the field of animation. You know, I really should mention that in my resume somewhere. 2004, Spümcø: involved in developing a SF noir show with Ralph Fuckin' Bakshi, the original crazy beatnik animation director, you fuckerth, if he doesn't come out of retirement again I might be one of the youngest people who can say that, and maybe that's worth something? He's behind my second favorite animated feature ever*, and he liked my stuff, and here I am constantly worrying it's derivative shallow crap.
* Coonskin, sometimes maybe WIzards, but usually Coonskin. All his stuff is confused and fragmented, but there are these moments of brilliance, and these are the ones I've seen that're more coherent and more full of wonderful. Oh, and Yellow Submarine is the top one because it was the first sight I had of something besides the Disney Formula, my introduction to the Beatles, and a bonding moment with my father.
It's raining. Wasn't I walking in light drizzle earlier today, gleefully anticipating that, shouting up to the clouds to gather, to darken, to merge, to RAIN, to wash some stuff clean?
Did I forget to take my progesterone tonight? I was later on my estrogen than usual this morning, due to cleaning up after some of that noisy long-held drama. Hmm. Nope, I took it. I can't blame the hormones. It's just been a complex week with a bunch of stuff bobbing to the surface, and here I am looking at some minor side bits while it rains outside. Poking at loose ends I'm noticing. Thinking about things said and things hiding behind things said.
In an attempt to perk myself up, I will remind myself of this: I wore one of the XL shirts still in my wardrobe, from when I constantly tried to hide in them. I know intellectually that my new gender has been quite visible in them for a year and a half or so, but I still feel like a little like a guy when I wear them, when I look down and see myself kinda shapeless. But I saw myself in the mirror tonight and it was clearly a girl in there, with a big loose shirt draped over her tits and swaying around her waist. It was kinda cute.
I say I'm trying to grow from a broken fake boy into a woman, but this week I really feel like a confused, crazy teenage girl. It sucks. A lot.
There were several bits of drama stirred up, a bit of Not Being There For Someone When They Needed It that really ached when I found out about it later, a party that looked good but wasn't, and a couple of things I'd been keeping inside and holding on to that I never should have finally came out. Noisily and at length.
Things seem to be calm with me now. I can actually try to get things done again instead of brooding. I think I lost about two weeks, at least, to brooding. Maybe three. No art, no job-hunting stuff, just brooding. Some moments of brief delightful happy creativity, but ones set in brooding and evasiveness.
This is a habit I really need to kick. I don't think it's ever helped anything at all, it's just resulted in time wasted, opportunities lost, and made things worse when what I'm brooding about finally boils over.
I say that one reason I haven't thrown resumes and reels around the places that might employ an animator in the Bay Area is that I look back at my possible reel and hate it - it's all Flash crap, full of the limits of the media, most of it more limited by being for the web, with little of me in it because of the division of labor in Spümcø's methods. That it's all stuff I did when I was a depressed shard of self-hate boy and looking at it reminds me of that time.
I bet I'm just lying to myself when I say this. What's the real reason, Peggy?
I got a brief phone call from an ex-Spümcø person. Seems Kevin is working at Frederator now. I'm glad he found some work after the studio ended. Rumor also puts John K at his father's home now. Not so good. I hope he's doing alright. I learned a lot from lurking in the shadows of his studio, watching him draw. Some of his style is obvious in mine, like the crazy way I sometimes do hands, most of it isn't anything that says "I learnt to draw from John K" but I got a lot of my philosophy of how to manage one's diverse and contradictory influences from analyzing his drawings. I'd e-mailed him a couple weeks ago about something silly - thanking him for accidentally teaching me the basics of yodelling, of all things - and signed it "Peggy, formerly Paul". He hasn't written back and I dunno if I expect him to.
I guess my suspicion when I visited before leaving LA was right, and Spümcø is over. I feel like it should affect me more, like I should go over the good times and bad now, but really, everything after WPH for me was a litany of wasted opportunities and poor performances. (Well, I guess I did just reminisce, what with going back up and writing that stuff about John, and the stuff below here, after I said I should reminisce.)
I mean, the head of the US layout team asked me when I was gonna do a layout test early on in the new R&S, and I just curled up and gloomed and put it off. If I'd gotten some self-belief going and just done it I'm sure I'd have managed to do it by after a couple of goes. But I hated all my attempts before I even began them.
I had Ralph Bakshi rave over some of my art and story concepts while I was there. Ralph fucking Bakshi. One of my idols in the field of animation. You know, I really should mention that in my resume somewhere. 2004, Spümcø: involved in developing a SF noir show with Ralph Fuckin' Bakshi, the original crazy beatnik animation director, you fuckerth, if he doesn't come out of retirement again I might be one of the youngest people who can say that, and maybe that's worth something? He's behind my second favorite animated feature ever*, and he liked my stuff, and here I am constantly worrying it's derivative shallow crap.
* Coonskin, sometimes maybe WIzards, but usually Coonskin. All his stuff is confused and fragmented, but there are these moments of brilliance, and these are the ones I've seen that're more coherent and more full of wonderful. Oh, and Yellow Submarine is the top one because it was the first sight I had of something besides the Disney Formula, my introduction to the Beatles, and a bonding moment with my father.
It's raining. Wasn't I walking in light drizzle earlier today, gleefully anticipating that, shouting up to the clouds to gather, to darken, to merge, to RAIN, to wash some stuff clean?
Did I forget to take my progesterone tonight? I was later on my estrogen than usual this morning, due to cleaning up after some of that noisy long-held drama. Hmm. Nope, I took it. I can't blame the hormones. It's just been a complex week with a bunch of stuff bobbing to the surface, and here I am looking at some minor side bits while it rains outside. Poking at loose ends I'm noticing. Thinking about things said and things hiding behind things said.
In an attempt to perk myself up, I will remind myself of this: I wore one of the XL shirts still in my wardrobe, from when I constantly tried to hide in them. I know intellectually that my new gender has been quite visible in them for a year and a half or so, but I still feel like a little like a guy when I wear them, when I look down and see myself kinda shapeless. But I saw myself in the mirror tonight and it was clearly a girl in there, with a big loose shirt draped over her tits and swaying around her waist. It was kinda cute.
I say I'm trying to grow from a broken fake boy into a woman, but this week I really feel like a confused, crazy teenage girl. It sucks. A lot.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-28 05:54 am (UTC)About the self-esteem and that feedback loop of self-doubt and shame and inertia... You remind me more and more of
It's a pity John K and Ralph are both apparently utter misanthropic flakes. :) If you could open some kind of contact with either of them, I imagine those names would look awfully nice on a resume as references...
no subject
Date: 2005-04-28 03:24 pm (UTC)And yeah, I think Rik and I both have a reflex defense of "hide", and a lot of built up loathing/shame/perfectionism. I've been trying to ditch a lot of it, and it's not easy.
(Tangentially, you might be interested in the discussion we had in the last couple bits of e-mail about the possible roots of our kinks. there's also a big chunk of narrative in the latest from me that will either make you jealous or delighted, depending on your mood, and I feel kinda guilty that you and I don't have a weird thread like that going on at the moment... as I was going to sleep after writing this entry, I toyed with ideas for a little fantasy to post mostly for you, but it didn't gel enough to fend off Tired! <3< )
no subject
Date: 2005-04-28 06:37 pm (UTC)Is that a heart-fish? A heart with antennae? A gusher of aortal blood?
no subject
Date: 2005-04-28 06:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-28 06:43 pm (UTC)Also
Date: 2005-04-28 05:55 am (UTC)(Wait... just extrapolating from Rik, I would lay down 5-1 odds you're one of those people who doesn't eat breakfast, aren't you. :> )
Re: Also
Date: 2005-04-28 03:25 pm (UTC)Re: Also
Date: 2005-04-28 06:42 pm (UTC)Re: Also
Date: 2005-04-28 08:10 pm (UTC)Re: Also
Date: 2005-04-28 11:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-28 07:19 am (UTC)and yeah.. spread that reel around, even if you don't like it. it's what you have right now and it might get you work right now until you can replace it with one you -do- like.
can you pull off the skimpy panties and baggy flannel pajama top yet? ;^) legzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
no subject
Date: 2005-04-28 06:51 pm (UTC)I dunno. I don't have any pajamas. I never wear them.
I do have nice legs, though I should shave them more often.
The photos can be a weird shock, especially if you dig for happy befores and tired afters. But when you see us happy and enjoying ourselves where w rarely did before, it's clear something worked. It is encouraging that the vibe in the studio was "good for these boys" despite the rabble-rousing sensationalizing host trying to paint them as sad and broken.
Also, happy FtMs are just... cute! Cute little mini-men!
no subject
Date: 2005-04-28 07:56 am (UTC)If it makes you feel better, I'm past thirty now, was born female, and I still sometimes feel like a confused, crazy teenage girl. So, welcome to the club. :}
no subject
Date: 2005-04-28 07:57 am (UTC)I prattled off a few at him, much to his delight. He wanted voice actors for a film they were working on, But no, I wanted to be an animator and turned him down. He did sign a One sheet of 'Wizards' for me.
That movie was 'American Pop'.
To this day I seriously SERIOUSLY regret not taking that voice acting gig, Lord knows what I'd be doing today had I jumped when offered.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-28 09:39 am (UTC)There have been times I've considered trying something like it, but I'm not sure I could take such a path.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-28 12:44 pm (UTC)Peggy, Peggy... Don't you know that most "in-house" animation for TV's being done in Flash, now? Popular stuff like "Mucha Lucha", "Atomic Betty", etc, etc. From what I understand, it's mostly a matter of cost, much as HB going to "limited animation" when they moved to TV production was a matter of cost. Check this article on AWN http://mag.awn.com/index.php?article_no=1930
That being the case, you've got the skills, so APPLY, and quit belittling yourself, Mkay? I get to belittle MYSELF, you don't get that luxury...
> Kevin is working at Frederator now.
That's good to hear. I'm rather fond of the work Frderator's doing right now. Several of their shows are good enough, I try hard not to miss new episodes.
It's sad to see John K and Spümcø fallen on bad times. I remember the original run of "Ren and Stimpy" with fondness. It was too bad that the "new show" on Spike didn't do too well, but it was far raunchier than the NICK version. I used to have a reciprocal link to the Spümcø website, once upon a time...*sigh*
no subject
Date: 2005-04-28 03:09 pm (UTC)The Flash lead on "Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends" got a lot of his initial training under me. At one point I considered trying to get in touch and ask him for a job, but those personal politics were definitely one reason for not doing this. Old bitternesses.
I hate Flash. I can't look at any show done in it without wincing. I hate wrestling with its horrible interface. The production methods I'm used to don't involve me ever drawing, just pushing other people's art around. It's not something I enjoy in the least; it never pushes the "bringing things to life" button inside me that's what I wanted to get into animation to push in the first place.
If, say, one of Gabe and Ricky' pitches, or Jorge's, got picked up and they sent me e-mail offering me work, I might go back down to LA and try to have it be "just a job" for a season or three. But my distaste for the whole process and for all the final results is strong. I can barely look at anything in my reel without wincing at the... Flashiness.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-28 06:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-28 05:37 pm (UTC)*sighs and nods* I hear ya; I had one job that mostly appearances and politics, and less about the skills. I lasted three months,and hated every minute of it. Just ain't worth it, McGee.
>I can't look at any show done in it without wincing.
Yeah, even the hand drawn stuff done cheaply overseas looks better than Flash, but if the concepts and stories are good enough, I've learned to deal with the look. Oh for the days of TMS productions...
I can't blame you for wanting a job where you actually get to draw. But the closure of Disney's Orlando facility shows that those days, cheapness is valued more than skill. It does not bode well for the animation industry that audiences seem to be willing to settle for less. I'd rather not, but it's not like I have much choice.
There ARE few sparks still going tho, like "Venture Brothers".
I hope you find what you're looking for!
no subject
Date: 2005-04-28 06:40 pm (UTC)Maybe you're worried about the content of the shows you were working on. What was it you had a lead on, work on a porn site? And I'm like "Ah yes, another feather in your cap, alongside 'Booty Call' and 'Weekend Pussy Hunt.'" You're gonna have to do some quick explaining when you list that stuff...