goodbyes to a mask, followup

[egypturnash]

Everywhere I put that picture of Peggy up, I seem to have gotten some people responding to it with "maybe she doesn't represent YOU any more, but that doesn't mean you have to stop drawing her!". There was some on Yerf's 'recent images' discussion, DeviantArt, at least one VCL Pick of the Day*...

I suppose I might draw her at some point in the future. But really, at this point, I feel she's served her purpose. I learnt how to see myself as a possibly-attractive female through playing her on Furry for several years. Bitterness at not being female got attached to her, along with passive-aggressive clinginess, and a generally nasty and elitist attitude. And then this past December her long-running and slowly-decaying neither-IC-nor-OOC relationship with Ravenscroft finally collapsed - and there's blame on both sides there, but I was the one who came out and said things were over.

She's got a hell of a lot of baggage that still hurts a lot to think about. Officially retiring the character is a way of trying to leave some of it behind. It's a metaphor for what I'm trying to do as I transition, to keep the good parts of who I was as a boy and expand on them, and lose the bad parts. Self-redefinition. Tossing an old mask to the winds and trying to see the face that was beneath it.

Sure, there's story fragments around her. But they're all tied up in this stuff I'd rather not go digging into. And I really can't see her making a cameo in other stories; nothing I really play with nowadays is at all "furry". I was a very different person when I first came up with her eight years ago. I can't see myself needing to draw her again.

And yes, eventually I will change names on archives and LJ and such. Some will be more hassle than others. I need to decide on a name, too. There are several.

---

Also, as I expected, Epilogue rejected it. "Not Epilogue Quality". (deleted grump about that)

* Ch'marr, is there any way to back-track PotDs for an image? Something like the 'trackback' most blogs do? If there isn't, consider this a feature suggestion!

Comments

[nefermoon.livejournal.com]

I felt an immediate connection with the emotions you were describing in your LiveJournal about moving away from who Peggy represented, and thought you had perfectly understandable and valid reasons for doing so.

And if they really NEED to hear that you'll still draw her if the need arises, just point out that you made this decision a month ago and the image they're all rabid over is 'new' enough.

If they miss Peggy so much, there's no lack of images of her to curl up with.

It seemed as if you were connecting more with Twin. Do you think that's not what you intended?

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

Yeah - the image at hand is me getting over her bowing out nearly two months ago.

The weird thing is that Peganthyrus was never intended to be a "personal furry"; she just kinda kicked the one I'd created to be that out of the way and took over. I connected to her with startling rapidity. To some degree, probably this was because it's a lot easier for a sexy female character to get attention online than a grumpy male one, but I'm pretty sure there were other issues too.

I didn't intend for Twin to be a "personal furry" either; (she) was just me fooling around to create something that fit into what I like drawing now, and something that fits the themes of Puzzlebox. I kinda hope (she) doesn't get stuck being my "personal furry"... I don't want to put that burden on (her). Besides, I can draw humans well enough now that I can do a reasonable caricature of myself.

[nefermoon.livejournal.com]

Someone else said it somewhere around here, but I seem to have spread myself and my .. quirks, we'll say.. rather well across the handful of characters I have.

But, like you, I created a character for the purpose of being my "fursona" and, while I still try to force that on her, it's not sticking all that well.

But then, when all these character popped up, I had a lot more time to entertain them. I'm currently putting all my energy into one character, and she's not being particularly grateful.

I am finding myself moving away from the idea of "furry" - I'm not trying to escape the fandom as I've seen a lot of folks doing lately, but I am realizing that while my art has become more well-rounded lately, my subject matter has not. Time to exhume some of the previous humanoid characters that I thought I had buried for good.

But I guess the roundabout moral of this LJ comment is that no one's supposed to know the future, so just do what's right for the foreseable present. ;)

[doodlesthegreat.livejournal.com]

The reason I said what I said was that I hadn't seen much of the baggage that you mention, and I do like the character. On the other hand, if Crumb can stick an icepick in Fritz, then there's no limit to what one can do with a former avatar.

Either way, it doesn't change the fact that it's an excellent picture.

[gen.livejournal.com]

I once had a character that I played on FM, and allowed a boyfriend to play her brother. As weeks went by, I found out that he was twisting and using the character as a TS slut, which I guess he could do if he wanted to, but I was really dissapointed that he was doing it with /my/ character. He stopped RPing with me, and stopped talking to me as much even because he was busy getting some with the PC.

I few days later I sketched out an image of the sister, slumped against a corner with arrows in her chest. I didn't mean to, but it just came out.

Now, years later, I draw her from time to time still, but she's just an empty shell. The memories and baggage of a bad relationship and broken promises and a bunch of other things made me drop the character beyond anything more than pinup attachment.

It's not quite the same, but I understand.

On another note, oddly... I tend to roleplay men more than women I find. Personality wise I'm practically androgynous and/or neuter, but I find men to be a more comfortable 'skin' for me, so to speak. Go fig?

Then again my men tend to be a little pretty, or just strong and quiet. While my women tend to be tomboyish and blunt.

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I don't know what it'd be like to try and draw Peganthyrus again. Especially as a pin-up. I think if someone offered me money to do a sexy picture of her... they'd have to offer a lot for me to not turn them down, and it still might not be my best work because of all the history. I bet that picture of that character hurt a lot to draw... the whole thing with Twin absorbing Peggy was horribly painful to do, and it wasn't anything I could abandon half-done.

I'd imagine that all of that makes it hard even to draw just the shell of the memory of her.

[paka.livejournal.com]

This isn't the first time I know of that you've just stopped playing an avatar mostly - do you think Peganthyrus might stay around in a fairly different shape, or are you pretty sure she's totally gone? And, do you think this is how your brain is wired to work things out, through your primary characters?

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

At this point, I really don't know. Kelvin was never officially Retired, just gone a long time without logging in, and later became a safe way for me to experiment with crossdressing and see if that was "enough"*. Which it clearly wasn't. I haven't gone to the extent I did with Peggy before; I tossed her long-standing description, I gutted her pinfo, I changed the species of the character on Furry, I changed the name... Peganthyrus is gone. I haven't @reced her home on Furrymuck, I haven't @toaded the login; I still use that for wholly OOC connection and occasional high weirdness. But the slinky black dragon's vanished.

I don't know if it's how I'm specifically wired to work things out this way; it's just that it's the way I've ended up doing it, through online metaphors and masks. It's safer, I guess, then trying it iRL.

* no offense to the CDs I know and love who read this - I only wish my gender issues were able to be dealt with by just clothes.

[furikudanji.livejournal.com]

I only asked what I did on DA because I really don't understand the concept of having only ONE character represent you, whether or not you play them for years or whatnot. The concept is just lost on me.. I mean, I favor characters and some of mine are what people readily identify with me, but they're all different parts of me. Emotional baggage is spread out and therefor forgotten with time.

However, I do now understand more why you'd want to be rid of Peggy, and I suppose I understand why you grew the way you did out of her. *smile*

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

I thought the whole 'personal furry' meme was pretty much spread throughout the whole fandom, and into other places as well - lots of artists seem to have a character that definitely represents them, though it may not be something with much visual resemblance. *shrug* I guess I thought wrong. Although there's strong identification with a character beyond artists - you'll see a lot of people who have the exact same character on several MUCKs.

Peggy was what I drew instead of drawing a caricature of me for a long time; she was me online, she was me. And I'm changing.

[lauraw.livejournal.com]

It's odd reading this post. I hold the theory that the internet is where most people come to get what they want. In rpgs I can see what people want reflected in story lines. Reading this post has kind of made me reflect on who I was during the reign of certain characters.

I guess I'll spare you the details, but it's neat to know I'm not the only one that grew out of an old character.

[defenbaugh.livejournal.com]

I had this dream last night where I ran into Peganthyrus sobbing uncontrolably in a shopping market, and all I could do was stand there. Wanting to lend the shoulder I used to but, quietly forbidden to. Shes out there somewhere, the spirit is a hard thing to kill, just where she lands next or in what incarnation, who knows?

[ghostangel.livejournal.com]

Epilogue is for artwanks. >_< Its like Worth 1000, only without the creativity.

[radd.livejournal.com]

Wait, Epilogue rejected that Peganthyrus picture? Oy, it seems to me that they have absolutely no credibility when it comes to judging artwork.

Normally I wouldn't say, "You should pack up and just post art elsewhere", because it is a good thing to hear negative critisism of one's art, but it just does not seem to me that Epilogue is producing any such critisism that could be used constructively, and they just seem to have no taste at all. I'd go so far as to say that it seems to me that Epilogue is nothing but a source of bitterness for you.

As for drawing or not drawing Peganthyrus, well, admittedly she's an interesting character design, and she's become an icon for you and your art to the world at large, so it is no surprise that those who admire you and your artwork have their own attachments to the character as well. They'll cope.

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I'm wondering if they're going through an ultra-pissy period or something. One of the last four pieces I did ended up on there (the room-o-tentacles), and that's after I experimentally did a much more conservative cropping. I've pretty much decided that if they boot the next AI piece I do, I'm out of there. It's not "Fantasy art at it's best", it's "Fantasy art at it's most conservative". Every-piece-needs-approval galleries just seem to be a bad idea to me; my experience is seeming to be that experimentation is stifled.

It's especially frustrating because when I first got on it, everything was accepted. Stuff that I knew wasn't my best work got in. And when all I was doing was focusing on mastering AI, I had no problems. But now that I'm trying more experimental things in handling and media, reject reject reject. And since I don't hang out on their boards I don't know if this is because of swinging to more rigid standards, where anything outside of what you expect to see on the cover of Dragon would be rejected, or that they're just not digging my experiments at all.

I really just need to get a decent back end in on my own site for uploading and allowing commentary...

[trianine.livejournal.com]

I don't know if this is saying much, but I've been searching for something to say since I first heard of this subject. I know only as little about your character as you have shown, and a bit that was written. It seems heartwrenching to think of giving up on such a personal part of you, even if it is an old part that you have moved away from.

And you do seem pretty ambivilant about all this, despite the want/need to move on.

I hope for your part the pain passes, and good luck with future developments. Perhaps she will stay by you as a gentle reminder.

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I'll miss being her in some ways. I was her for most of a decade, my online identity's still tied up with her... but the story of her just... ended. And she's the one who decided to go.