damnit

[egypturnash]

Anyone who tells me directly about their love troubles is a fool, and a cruel one. The last time I had something unambiguously described as "sex" was, I think, New Year's Eve 1999/2000. Maybe further back. Sometime when I was still trying to think of myself as a boy. Anyone who's had three months of Moderately Happy Relationship is more experienced in loving and being loved than I. That's the fool part: Anything I might offer would be given completely from theory, not experience.

Cruelty? Telling me your troubles fills me with envy, because you've had the good parts as well as the bad ones. And it makes me pull out things I'm quite aware of, and am trying to keep dormant until I have some sort of socioeconomic situation to actually hope to do something about them: loneliness emptiness horniness old reflexive self-alienation shyness... I don't feel like there's much I can do about any of those, carless and broke in LA.

It's one thing if it's not talking directly to me. Angsty LJ entries, fine. But a direct conversation with me carries the implicit hope or demand for some response, some wisdom, some sympathy, some connection to the problem that I just don't have. And that lack is a big fucking hole in my life. Especially when I'm being terribly hormonal, as I seem to this weekend. Despite the weary, blasé expression in this drawing... it hurts.

There's a few people I'll listen to on this. Very few. Very very few. But not all the time, not even them. I'm not sure if this is cold, or pragmatic, or whiny... but it's true; I spent some time this evening curled up in the dark half-sobbing because of this.

AI, pencil tool, no sketch.

[later: The mood's mostly vented, thanks to doing this, and some silliness on Puzzlebox with a character who simply can't be angsty. I'd still rather not hear any details of how your relationship's failing to work until I actually have some vague shadow of something myself.]

[also, made comments screened by default on this one - I'm not looking to accumulate a bunch of visible <3 replies. thought I did that when I decided to enable them on this after all.]