some thoughts on passing
May. 30th, 2004 05:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
egypturnashI think I've found a secret of passing as a woman in the flesh. It's called 'not worrying'.
Shaving a little earlier, I realized I don't think of myself as a guy trying to look like a woman any more - I think of myself as a woman who has facial hair problems. And yesterday when I went out to Trans/Giving, I was pretty cavalier with my choice of what I'd wear for the bus ride: the same black camisole I had in that photo I posted a couple weeks ago, a long grey skirt that's a hand-me-down from a friend of my mother's with similar build to me, and sneakers. With mismatched socks. And, of course, pink hair.
It wasn't what anyone in their right mind would call elegant, but it suits me. It's how a cartoonist in her early thirties going out to a small show might be expected to dress. It's punk formal. I knew people were giving me odd glances; it's not something you see every day.
I'm just this crazy old cartoonist gal and I'm just not trying to hide it at all any more. I'm really trying to quit guessing what people think I am and just assume they think I'm an eccentric lady.
Admittedly, the fact that my boobs grew in absurdly fast helps this. Boobs = girl. And my voice is usually... well, it's not too femmy, but it's not manly either. I need to work on it, really.
As to the show, it went alright. The stuff presented and performed was a pretty varied lot. Mostly I just enjoyed the hell out of watching people's pleased and puzzled reactions to encountering my art for the first time. Also I sold a few of them -![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dragongrrl_laca got the Last Picture of Peggy, and inu_no_taiyo snagged 'Numbers Station' and 'Metaphor'. (I need to drop those CDs in the mail for him.)
I need to try and have my work displayed again sometime soon. It's cool to imagine it just being somewhere, with people looking at it and trying to figure out what the hell's going on.
Shaving a little earlier, I realized I don't think of myself as a guy trying to look like a woman any more - I think of myself as a woman who has facial hair problems. And yesterday when I went out to Trans/Giving, I was pretty cavalier with my choice of what I'd wear for the bus ride: the same black camisole I had in that photo I posted a couple weeks ago, a long grey skirt that's a hand-me-down from a friend of my mother's with similar build to me, and sneakers. With mismatched socks. And, of course, pink hair.
It wasn't what anyone in their right mind would call elegant, but it suits me. It's how a cartoonist in her early thirties going out to a small show might be expected to dress. It's punk formal. I knew people were giving me odd glances; it's not something you see every day.
I'm just this crazy old cartoonist gal and I'm just not trying to hide it at all any more. I'm really trying to quit guessing what people think I am and just assume they think I'm an eccentric lady.
Admittedly, the fact that my boobs grew in absurdly fast helps this. Boobs = girl. And my voice is usually... well, it's not too femmy, but it's not manly either. I need to work on it, really.
As to the show, it went alright. The stuff presented and performed was a pretty varied lot. Mostly I just enjoyed the hell out of watching people's pleased and puzzled reactions to encountering my art for the first time. Also I sold a few of them -
dragongrrl_laca got the Last Picture of Peggy, and inu_no_taiyo snagged 'Numbers Station' and 'Metaphor'. (I need to drop those CDs in the mail for him.)I need to try and have my work displayed again sometime soon. It's cool to imagine it just being somewhere, with people looking at it and trying to figure out what the hell's going on.
not worrying
Date: 2004-05-30 08:16 pm (UTC)be yourself.
Re: not worrying
Date: 2004-05-30 08:24 pm (UTC)There's a lot of things I still don't know about who I want to be, where I'm going, or how I get there.
I just don't talk about them too much on LJ at the moment.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-30 09:38 pm (UTC)Are you comfortable in your own skin at this point and with how you appear to yourself? If you are, then you're ahead of the majority of the LA population. Congrats....
no subject
Date: 2004-05-31 11:59 am (UTC)And I'm getting more and more comfortable with how I look, which is something I never was when I was a boy - so I suppose that means all this time and expense and worry in transition was for the right cause. I'm not done changing yet, but I've gotten the first steps done...
no subject
Date: 2004-05-31 02:07 pm (UTC)While I have yet to get into any sort of actual fistfight here in LA, I have had folks get verbally aggressive with me over my height, skin color, or even what I thought was a perfectly innocent comment.
The potential of aggression will always be there, regardless of the cause. But you're continuing along the path of change and seem to be well aware of your goal....so clearly you haven't let that dissuade you.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-30 11:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-31 10:09 am (UTC)If I switch into games (must get portfolio out) or leave the LA area or whatever... I might go semi-stealth at the workplace. If I stay in animation here, I really don't have a choice - too many people know, and will recognize me. Luckily animation is generally freaky enough that being trans isn't... completely scary and career-ruining... like it probably is in some fields or areas.
And I've definitely got other kinds of growing up to do. Ugh.
Congratulations!
Date: 2004-05-31 09:21 am (UTC)Re: Congratulations!
Date: 2004-05-31 10:11 pm (UTC)Re: Congratulations!
Date: 2004-06-01 09:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-31 09:03 pm (UTC)Thanks for being so cool at T/G. The Peganthyrus/Twin switch makes sense now (she's the exact opposite of reptilian, folks!).
And I know you'll get closer to what you want as your transition progresses; but it must be said, you do genderqueer beautifully. <3