on inner changes

[egypturnash]

For years, my online identity has been "Peganthyrus" - a slinky black dragon. She's shaped how I think about myself; most of my online gallery accounts and my LJ account are under that name, I'm used to referring to my library as my hoard, I'll talk about 'getting my scaly black ass moving'; I'll occasionally growl and snarl. I'm pretty much decided that when I officially change my name it'll be to "Margaret", because that shortens (somewhat inexplicably) to "Peggy". Playing her online was a large part of the slow process of coming out to myself as a woman.

I've vaguely thought of myself as "a dragon". Not in the sense of being sure I was one in another life, or will be one later in this one. Just a consistent metaphor of myself: slim, deliberately mysterious, maybe a little dangerous. Distinctively spiky.

Until earlier this month. When I was on the bus and decided to draw the in-character impossibility of Peganthyrus conversing with Twin. About me. And the fact that I've left Furrymuck, where Peganthyrus existed, in favor of Puzzlebox, Twin's far stranger home.

And their conversation went a direction I simply never expected it to. Despite being intensely opposed to ever killing anyone, the singularity ended up... eating the dragon. Lovingly and apologetically, but still, one of the fundamental drives of Twin is the refusal to obey (her) entropic nature. I cried a lot while this poured out of me; it was saying goodbye to something I've built for several years, to a lot of history and to a whole way of thinking.

And Twin didn't take her place. I'm not going to start using (her) as a metaphor for myself. (She)'s built from parts of me, and is very fascinating to try and think like, but... I'm not tossing aside one well-worn mask in favor of another one; I'm tossing it aside in favor of... nothing.

It's been most of a month and it's still kind of strange; I feel oddly disconnected from a lot of things because of it. Mostly calm, though stress over possible job weirdness interrupted that. I'm not "a dragon" in a meaningful sense any more. I'm just me, some pink-haired human girl, and it feels kinda weird. (I'm not @toading on Furrymuck, but I did change the character - if you had "Peganthyrus" on your wf or pwho, I show up as "Peggy" now, with a very minimal description.)

Some of you already knew about this (and if you do, there's no need to comment on it again); I'd posted scans of this dialogue in baroquevertigo because they're directly related to the mixture of strange personal mysticism and 'weird stuff I do on Puzzlebox' that I made it for. Or pointed people to it in conversation when it seemed necessary. I've sort of been letting it stew in the back of my mind before writing about it here. I'm still not sure I know what it all means.

It's change, and I've been doing a lot of that lately, and I'll probably be doing a lot more. I just hope it's a good one.

Comments

[neogeen.livejournal.com]

It still makes me teary, and that is amazing, since it has absolutly nothing to do with me. I have nothing else to say that could pertain.

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

I'm over the worst of the shock, but looking at it still makes me cry a little. It's a strange new wound that we don't really have the language to define...

[medox.livejournal.com]

Really beautiful, and amazingly honest and brave.

[vickshb.livejournal.com]

I'll miss you peggy 8'{

[adequatemagic.livejournal.com]

As noted elsewhere.

what are black holes made of?
and to further that thought... if the entire universe is created and destroyed billions of times a second, just because a dragon isn't here doesn't mean the idea of a dragon isn't here. Past selves, past personas, evaporate, but they get breathed in by the ones who follow.

severed ties can never be completely cut, even by occam's razor.

BoB
teCH
(one of an old lion's former/past/previous/future selves)

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

Severed ties can atrophy away, though.

Peganthyrus isn't dead, isn't destroyed... just isn't... needed any more, and gracefully and emphatically removed herself from blocking my path. Am I a dragon any more; was I ever a dragon? I certainly don't feel comfortable referring to myself as one now.

It's all coming from inside me, and hopefully the good parts of her will stick, and the bad parts be quietly examined and disposed of appropriately, except for the occasions when, say, mean bitchiness is absolutely what's called for...

[koogrr.livejournal.com]

...

I _know_. A while ago, I'm not sure a month and a half I guess, my characters confronted me and stripped back everything I'd stolen from them. Some of that you saw in Mindgames, the beginning. I didn't draw it, wrote some of it. A confrontation, a lecture on all the things I wasn't and needed to change. Not too soon after I took your advice, looked into the sun, made KK, drew her. Broke my muse and my desire to roleplay online with one image.

I liked the Peg-lizard. I understand, things are changing. You're changing yourself, I'm trying to change my mind in a more metaphysical way. Doors closing. Doors opening. A little unsettling to see this, very creepy.

Mind shot. More later, or less.

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

I may be trying to change my mind in similar metaphysical ways, too. I'm not sure where you're trying to go, exactly. I'm not sure where I'll end up, for that matter. Hopefully not in another self-made prison like I used to be.

I just keep reminding myself that the worthwhile changes are also the tough ones.

A lot of the same drives that made Peganthyrus still exist in other characters of mine. It's all permutations and reconfigurations of parts of myself. Like many of us do in online roleplay. Some will stay with me. Some may need to go.

[koogrr.livejournal.com]

You've got so many things going for you, but you've got these blocks in your mind, holding you back. If you could get rid of them you'd be so much better.
--- advice from a friend, which triggered a breakdown.

Happy would be nice, not sad and angry. That's what I'm aiming for. All of my problems are essentially my own fault right now, I need to stop choosing and doing the things I don't really want to, for reasons I don't agree with.

[(Anonymous)]

Wow...that was very moving

meg

[twotails.livejournal.com]

Beautiful, rough, and honest.

[eselgeist.livejournal.com]

your lines make me wistful. i hope you can find some peace in all this, yep.

[ceruleanst.livejournal.com]

Damn. I was kind of infatuated with Peganthyrus. But I'd venture a guess that there's something of her preserved and reborn in the snakey. The phoenix symbolism and all that. I like the snakey.

[sirius-achamoth.livejournal.com]

I was kind of infatuated with Peganthyrus.

... who wasn't?

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

Maybe, maybe not. I'm not going to hassle the snake about who and what and why she is. She first showed up some time before I even knew about Puzzlebox, let alone came up with Twin.

Also, this exchange is what I referred to when I posted the snake conversation doodles. I've been sitting on these, for the most part, for a few weeks.

A lot of people were somewhat infatuated with Peganthyrus, despite (or maybe because of) her attempts to kick most people away...

[pathia.livejournal.com]

I've yet to ever get rid of any of my characters. I think you've just shown me why, it was hard for me to read that without crying (and I failed miserably) and I barely know/knew you and Peggy/Twin.

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

I cry every time I look at it. Drawing and writing it was torturous, but I think leaving it half-finished, once it started, wou;d've been far worse.

She needed to go, and did it with grace and dignity, instead of just being forgotten, and idle-@toaded when I was busy elsewhere. I think it's better that way. At least it makes for better story.

[foolsguinea.livejournal.com]

???

Wow.

[eyetosky.livejournal.com]

It's interesting to see other people regard their characters as extensions or even masks for themselves as well. Taking that part of yourself, and creating an evolution in such a visual and inarguable way. Yours has a wonderous intensity to it, tied to the new hope. Good luck to you. I'd make you some bad art if I knew you better.

[doodlesthegreat.livejournal.com]

I think it's a good one. Congratulations on the next step of your evolution. And thank you for sharing the insight.

[sardonicus.livejournal.com]

It would be hard for me to imagine transformation taking place without some degree of discomfort. But the fact that you feel it so intensely makes it seem all the more necessary. Peganthyrus seems to be an interesting persona, from what I've gotten to observe through various comments online by you and others, but perhaps the concept of her has grown rather binding. Perhaps even limiting.....

But the fact you have chosen, at some level, to pursue this transformation makes it valid. No lover asked it of you, no MUCK clique imposed it on you......this is yours and yours alone.

Enough beating of equine corpses.

transformations

[dragongrrl-laca.livejournal.com]

Peggy,
I have also always had a common connection with dragons. Peganthyrus has transformed as you transform into someone new. Remember that dragons never die though. as you should never deny your past as your new future
opens up to you. I look forward to meeting you at Transgiving. I truly hoe you will let us hang your work! Yu and your art are truly inspiring.

Krista

[defenbaugh.livejournal.com]

And of course to those of us to whom you were most dear, the memory lives on, and in that memory she still lives. More importantly though is the realization that the player behind the mask, is the most important aspect. And with that knowledge you are happier, all can be accepted.

[ovon.livejournal.com]

What he said. :> *hugs*

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

She only ever lived in imagination, really. She's not dead, just... uncreated. And I don't imagine myself as her any more. In the best ways (at least I hope it's the best ways) I'm her, or some of what she was. Without the bitterness at not actually being female that was part of why she was such a bitch sometimes.

[kinkyturtle.livejournal.com]

Awww... I kinda hope this doesn't mean you'll never draw Peganthyrus again. (Not that there's anything wrong with Twin.)

Of course, that's entirely up to you, isn't it?

[kinkyturtle.livejournal.com]

And now I feel kinda selfish... I should be saying "I hope it works out for you, and I wish you well" rather than "But what about drawings" or something.

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking of doing One Last Drawing of Peganthyrus, in memory of what she was to me for so long. To say goodbye. People who've gone through similar things, if perhaps with less drama, have said they started drawing their former self-image characters again as just another character... but I don't know if I'll do that, or in how long.

[koogrr.livejournal.com]

Oh gods this will hurt.