the same masks, over and over again
Oct. 29th, 2003 12:49 pmAs it starts to be slightly more populated, I've been hanging out on Puzzlebox more. Folks tend to be idly and sparse, but the bursts of interaction are pretty interesting. As is what I'm realizing about myself through this interaction.
Twin, my character there, is falling into the same mode that every single character I play for very long tends to fall into: slim, urbane, ancient, and somebody you'd better watch yourself around if you want to live.
Look, but don't touch. Here there be dragons. Keep your distance. Back off. Look out, I bite. Don't start to care, it may end at any minute.
Every character I play regularly has this embedded in her concept. Potentially mean and nasty to casually frighten people away, or to keep them at a safe distance, admiring from afar, not daring to come close. Peggy? Dragon, sharp claws, casual menace, snide smirk. Best to stay away from her. Kalinda? Giant snake, cranky sorceress, casual menace, literally cold-blooded. Better not get in striking distance of her either. Twin? Black hole, might accidentally turn you into just another layer of anonymous mass plastered on the outside of (her) core, especially if you get (her) too wrapped up in sensual pleasure. Better consider another planet. It's the same thing over and over again. Twin's just more exaggeratedly dangerous. Absurdly so - a caricature, really, of the themes running through the masks I make online. Stay away from me, don't get involved too much, don't let me start to care about you. That way if you vanish abruptly from my life I won't have a gaping wound left. Why can't I ever find a mask for myself that's not actively pushing people too far away to ever connect with me, except on rare occasions?
Maybe because I can't do it, don't know how, don't have any idea how to be someone nice and friendly and open. I was always distant, I know, but how much is the walls I put up around myself when my father died? And how do I tear them down? Should I? I know it can be done; there are people I love dearly, for whom these barriers simply don't exist - sometimes they slowly evaporated, but in most cases, they seem to have just never been there for that person.
There's some hope: returning to the particular mask that sparked this realization, while Twin is a very absurdly dangerous Thing, (she) is trying to overcome this - (she)'s innocent and bubbly, (she) wants to have friends, to have fun, to experience something instead of the bleakness of the interstellar void. (She) has absolutely no clue how to go about this, but (she) tries. But then (she) does something completely scary and otherworldly, and everyone... steps back. Because my reflexes just made me say get back, don't touch me, I might start to enjoy it, I might start to care about you, or even love you, get the fuck away from me. (She) casually refers to having engulfed a habitat (she) first took physical form in; (she) apologizes in advance for the possibility of losing (her) self-control and doing this to you, and then (she) smiles and does something cute and naîve and "accidentally" flirty. Twin wants to connect with people, but just has no idea how to do it.
Like me.
Twin, my character there, is falling into the same mode that every single character I play for very long tends to fall into: slim, urbane, ancient, and somebody you'd better watch yourself around if you want to live.
Twin's nature is a public thing, hazard warnings hanging politely about (her) in the vrtual overlays of the realm's info-sphere - a unique entity, a sentient black hole (precise mass unknown, presumed to be at least stellar mass), (her) 'body' a construct of virtual particles summoned from potential by (her) presence, (her) actual self a tiny, massive point cloaked in the shell of matter.
Manda blinks at the sparkling lights, and reaches out a hand to poke one. She nods to Twin, "It's those accidents I hope to avoid, dear. I hope you understand."
Guest static buzes.
Twin shrugs. "Oh, I do. I'm a dangerous monster." (She) smirks. "Even interaction at arm's length is better than the dullness of the void."
Look, but don't touch. Here there be dragons. Keep your distance. Back off. Look out, I bite. Don't start to care, it may end at any minute.
Every character I play regularly has this embedded in her concept. Potentially mean and nasty to casually frighten people away, or to keep them at a safe distance, admiring from afar, not daring to come close. Peggy? Dragon, sharp claws, casual menace, snide smirk. Best to stay away from her. Kalinda? Giant snake, cranky sorceress, casual menace, literally cold-blooded. Better not get in striking distance of her either. Twin? Black hole, might accidentally turn you into just another layer of anonymous mass plastered on the outside of (her) core, especially if you get (her) too wrapped up in sensual pleasure. Better consider another planet. It's the same thing over and over again. Twin's just more exaggeratedly dangerous. Absurdly so - a caricature, really, of the themes running through the masks I make online. Stay away from me, don't get involved too much, don't let me start to care about you. That way if you vanish abruptly from my life I won't have a gaping wound left. Why can't I ever find a mask for myself that's not actively pushing people too far away to ever connect with me, except on rare occasions?
Maybe because I can't do it, don't know how, don't have any idea how to be someone nice and friendly and open. I was always distant, I know, but how much is the walls I put up around myself when my father died? And how do I tear them down? Should I? I know it can be done; there are people I love dearly, for whom these barriers simply don't exist - sometimes they slowly evaporated, but in most cases, they seem to have just never been there for that person.
There's some hope: returning to the particular mask that sparked this realization, while Twin is a very absurdly dangerous Thing, (she) is trying to overcome this - (she)'s innocent and bubbly, (she) wants to have friends, to have fun, to experience something instead of the bleakness of the interstellar void. (She) has absolutely no clue how to go about this, but (she) tries. But then (she) does something completely scary and otherworldly, and everyone... steps back. Because my reflexes just made me say get back, don't touch me, I might start to enjoy it, I might start to care about you, or even love you, get the fuck away from me. (She) casually refers to having engulfed a habitat (she) first took physical form in; (she) apologizes in advance for the possibility of losing (her) self-control and doing this to you, and then (she) smiles and does something cute and naîve and "accidentally" flirty. Twin wants to connect with people, but just has no idea how to do it.
Like me.
Twin shrugs. "And I'm supposed to be a hazard to stellar navigation!" The singularity grins. "We are what we make ourselves become."
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