the same masks, over and over again

[egypturnash]

As it starts to be slightly more populated, I've been hanging out on Puzzlebox more. Folks tend to be idly and sparse, but the bursts of interaction are pretty interesting. As is what I'm realizing about myself through this interaction.

Twin, my character there, is falling into the same mode that every single character I play for very long tends to fall into: slim, urbane, ancient, and somebody you'd better watch yourself around if you want to live.

Twin's nature is a public thing, hazard warnings hanging politely about (her) in the vrtual overlays of the realm's info-sphere - a unique entity, a sentient black hole (precise mass unknown, presumed to be at least stellar mass), (her) 'body' a construct of virtual particles summoned from potential by (her) presence, (her) actual self a tiny, massive point cloaked in the shell of matter.

Manda blinks at the sparkling lights, and reaches out a hand to poke one. She nods to Twin, "It's those accidents I hope to avoid, dear. I hope you understand."
Guest static buzes.
Twin shrugs. "Oh, I do. I'm a dangerous monster." (She) smirks. "Even interaction at arm's length is better than the dullness of the void."

Look, but don't touch. Here there be dragons. Keep your distance. Back off. Look out, I bite. Don't start to care, it may end at any minute.

Every character I play regularly has this embedded in her concept. Potentially mean and nasty to casually frighten people away, or to keep them at a safe distance, admiring from afar, not daring to come close. Peggy? Dragon, sharp claws, casual menace, snide smirk. Best to stay away from her. Kalinda? Giant snake, cranky sorceress, casual menace, literally cold-blooded. Better not get in striking distance of her either. Twin? Black hole, might accidentally turn you into just another layer of anonymous mass plastered on the outside of (her) core, especially if you get (her) too wrapped up in sensual pleasure. Better consider another planet. It's the same thing over and over again. Twin's just more exaggeratedly dangerous. Absurdly so - a caricature, really, of the themes running through the masks I make online. Stay away from me, don't get involved too much, don't let me start to care about you. That way if you vanish abruptly from my life I won't have a gaping wound left. Why can't I ever find a mask for myself that's not actively pushing people too far away to ever connect with me, except on rare occasions?

Maybe because I can't do it, don't know how, don't have any idea how to be someone nice and friendly and open. I was always distant, I know, but how much is the walls I put up around myself when my father died? And how do I tear them down? Should I? I know it can be done; there are people I love dearly, for whom these barriers simply don't exist - sometimes they slowly evaporated, but in most cases, they seem to have just never been there for that person.

There's some hope: returning to the particular mask that sparked this realization, while Twin is a very absurdly dangerous Thing, (she) is trying to overcome this - (she)'s innocent and bubbly, (she) wants to have friends, to have fun, to experience something instead of the bleakness of the interstellar void. (She) has absolutely no clue how to go about this, but (she) tries. But then (she) does something completely scary and otherworldly, and everyone... steps back. Because my reflexes just made me say get back, don't touch me, I might start to enjoy it, I might start to care about you, or even love you, get the fuck away from me. (She) casually refers to having engulfed a habitat (she) first took physical form in; (she) apologizes in advance for the possibility of losing (her) self-control and doing this to you, and then (she) smiles and does something cute and naîve and "accidentally" flirty. Twin wants to connect with people, but just has no idea how to do it.

Like me.

Twin shrugs. "And I'm supposed to be a hazard to stellar navigation!" The singularity grins. "We are what we make ourselves become."

Comments

coda

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

I feel somewhat absurd, analyzing myself via these several layers of metaphor. But whatever works - whatever twisted mirror I hold up and see something important staring back from. The same themes tend to run through my non-interactive creations - danger, monster, leave me alone - just not always as close to the surface.

For those who wonder what there is in mucking... I think this may be part of an answer. A way to take facets of yourself, wrap them up in an interesting shape and manner, and put them out where you can see them, perhaps to learn something about yourself in that observation.

Re: coda

[kamenkyote.livejournal.com]

Otterdoc and I love to RP, but it's come down to just us when we want to unless we want TS which, after a number of years, gets really boring. What I've noticed in our RP is that we tend to develop characters and situations that are magnified aspects of not only ourselves but our relationship. By playing things out like this, we can anazlyze and error-check for those aspects which might flare up at some time in the future. We're not conciously aware of this, and if we were, not only would the fun be lost, but I'd find it creepy and weird.

In a way, RP of this type is sort of like the tarot in that it allows you to approach a problem from an angle that you might not have before. Also, because RP is generally "safe," it allows one to explore extremes of personality and quirk. Done right, I think RP has a lot going for it, not least of which is that it's fun.

-T'

[turbinerocks.livejournal.com]

I think when I RP with with Andy or Gwyn, we're just trying to out-pervert each other. :D

[fourprint.livejournal.com]

I love spotting the patterns that emerge in a series of pieces - artworks, songs, RP characters - dreams, too, for that matter... it's a great way to puzzle out: what exactly is going on in there?

Twin is cool. And I like where (she) (and by extension, perhaps you?) seems to be going. :>

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I think I'm entirely too verbose with (her).

I'm not quite sure what direction Twin is evolving in. It sort of looks like 'dedicated sensualist' right now, what with (her) contemplating ripping off a finger to see what it feels like (and stopping, fascinated with the survival instinct of (her) simulated bio-brain), or being distracted by the mere touch of air across (her) whole body.

Which, I suppose, wouldn't be a bad change for me. Though without curiously exploring self-mutilation; I can't rebuild myself from the ether like Twin can!

[fourprint.livejournal.com]

"I am Astar. A robot. I can put my arm back on. You can't."

          -- safety PSA that aired up here about 15 years ago

But are you Star A Star?...

[(Anonymous)]

...or that never-to-be-sufficiently-damned Lensman?

--Meichfrite (Frite of the Meich)

[rainwing.livejournal.com]

It seems to me that Puzzlebox is a good place for connecting with people that have a hard time connecting with people. ;}

Sometimes, though, it's as easy as falling over a log. Or a really big snake. *hugs on you*

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

*nod* At least the populace is self-selectingly weird enough that they're more likely to be worth the effort of making a connection with...

And yes, you were one of the people I was thinking of who just mysteriously walked right through the wall. I still don't know why but I'm glad. Sunspots, I guess. *hugs feathery sissa*

[eselgeist.livejournal.com]

but.. you do care for those you choose to care about, i've seen you do it.

it often seems to me that you are more "picky" than "universally distant".

keeping/pushing people away so they won't get close enough to hurt
you when they finally do leave, which they do because you keep/push
them away so they won't get close enough to hurt you when they finally
doleave, which they do because you keep/push them away so
they won't get close enough to hurt you when they finally do leave,
which they do because you keep/push them away so they won't get close
enough to hurt you when they finally do leave, which they do because
you keep/push them away so they won't get close enough to hurt you when



It's a good thing I'm both too slow to catch on and too stubborn/forgetful for such subtlety; give me a week
and I come calling again. I care - as do many - so why keep folks away? Life is wayyy too short. What
are you afraid of?

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

*nod* Exactly. It's a self-reinforcing cycle. I've halfway seen it before, but it's hard to look at, and harder to change - part is just the way I am, part is habit.

Mostly I'm afraid of myself, I sometimes think.

I know I've been weird lately; I just have no idea how to respond to some things. *hug*

[auryanne.livejournal.com]

I know we don't know each other well, but what you said made a lot of sense to me; the part about having NO idea how to relate to people, of knowing what I'm "supposed" to do to make people like me and be friends with me. And I hear what you're saying about being afraid to let them too close, too. I hope you figure something out (and then I can copy off your paper...)

[hydra-velsen.livejournal.com]

Well I had noticed this, but never pressed the issue. You've always been nice to me, though, so I really don't have any grounds to complain. I just hate it when really good friendships slowly cool down and fade. I'm the kind of person that makes a few really good friends - I'm very picky about whom I choose - and hold on to them as long as humanly possible. I hate seeing a relationship of any sort fade, although this is often inevitable ; I'd ideally like to have the same friends when I'm dying in my bed at ninety-three. I bear many of those gaping wounds you speak of because of this, and because of mthis pattern, my history is a string of heartbreaks and shattered relationships. Maybe I just open my heart too easily when I meet someone I'm willing to make one of my select friends/family? I dunno. I never understood why things like that cool off. With me, the pattern is inevitably and always started with a pretty warm greeting, making friends, a sensual period, then a chatty talkative period, then several months of slowly cooling down until contact ceases. Sometimes this is just slow decay on its own, but more often, it's a third party that steps in to damage the friendship,usually out of jealousy or spite, and this can speed things up considerably towards yet another gaping wound. After that, any attempt at communication is met with antipathy and dodginess from the other party. (That's the part I cannot understand. Why wouldn't you be happy to hear from an old friend out of the blue?).

I try not to wear masks. I'm just *me*, although sometimes it's inevitable that I have to put one on for civility's sake.

[phaze2.livejournal.com]

You wouldn't believe how much I can relate to that

[queenofstripes.livejournal.com]

Huh. Reminds me quite a bit of reading about koogrr's character Cryosanthia. For readers who don't know, from what I've read about her, she's a radioactive dragon who is getting more decayed, thus more biohazard and unapproachable, thus more bitter and introverted and dark-souled, as time goes on. My first reaction when I saw her description and history on the web was, "Huh. But wait... most of my characters, and a good number of their friends, are inorganic and rad-proof. Maybe she just needs a change of venue." You know I'm just going to take this as a challenge, right? Don't make me go in there playing a sexy genderbent time elemental... :> (It goes backwards AND forwards!)

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

...but the thing with a character like that is, she's probably played partially as an excuse to vent general angst through the character's specific issues. What happens when you try to cheer up something designed for angst?

With Twin, it simply hit me that she's almost a parody of the themes I express in everything else I play. Even tenniel, the bouncy sextoy zebracorn on now-vanished Khaos, had a streak of keepaway, danger, don't touch - her backstory was that she was a thief, using a few bits of magic (silent-tread horseshoes, bag of holding, some skill with illusion) to steal expensive things after bouts of kinky sex, and give the occasional hinted impression that she was a vampire. (She's reappeared on SPR and is now a demon's pet; it's been suggested that she may have an infernal taint in her history, now.)

I can't seem to play someone who isn't fundamentally dangerous. It's as awkward and painful as, I dunno, you playing a redneck fox guy. It just doesn't happen. The danger, warning, stay away, don't let me love you, just flows out, easily and loquaciously.

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

Oh - while you're here and in something like the right context:

Thanks for making Puzzlebox happen! I wouldn't have had this weird epiphany about myself and the masks I reflexively wear without it. Plus it's just fun and nifty and strange.

Should I really be writing a long LJ entry about it when it's not even officially open yet? *grin*

[oceacat.livejournal.com]

This is the kind of post that makes LJ worth maintaining (and you are a kind of person worth knowing).

Puzzlebox sounds fascinating.

"Nolo me tangere"

[(Anonymous)]

Latin for "None shall touch me."

Also there's some Scottish clan whose motto is "Touch not the cat but a glove," often shortened to "Touch not the cat."

You seem to be cultivating the anachronistic quality once known as "reserve." I say anachronistic because in an age where everyone's a whore, polite refusal to flaunt one's wares on the street definitely seems out of place in time.


Apropos of nothing, I like it.

Steak'n'Stein's Monster,
(or, the Tommy Atkins Diet)

Re: "Nolo me tangere"

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

I don't think "cultivating" is the word.

Perhaps "consumed by", or "shrouded in". Sometimes the cat does like to be petted, but habitually claws at the hands anyway. Eventually nobody dares pet it, and it wonders why.

[lapdragon.livejournal.com]

Some people think scarey girls are sexy. *nod* Pointy claws and teeth, rar!

coda 2

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

Twin needs to get (her)self a little more de-sensitized so she can take part in the carnival aspects of PB.

[ultraken.livejournal.com]

I think Twin is possibly your most intriguing character concept yet.

I'd say (she) is the only one in the roster that could be described as "good", whereas the rest are "evil" to "neutral". Though (she) may be more potentially destructive than all the rest combined, (she) has absolutely no desire to harm anyone. IANAP*, but maybe (she) represents progress? Of course, being firmly in the "lawful good" corner of the chart, I could be biased. ;)

*Psychoanalyst

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

Twin started with just the image of (her) surface. Endlessly fractally patterned, mostly dark, but shimmering and altering, down past the subatomic. And a gender. Or a lack thereof. Same thing around Puzzlebox, really. I had a few theories about what (she) was in the original application, but I quickly settled upon 'black hole' as the most engaging. And, subconsciously perhaps, as the most like my usual 'danger keep-away' schtick...

Most of my other characters are neutral lazy. Twin is probably more chaotic silly, with slight chaotic good tendencies; (she) seems to be manifesting an intense respect for life. I don't know if (she) would intervene in someone else doing something nasty; (she) might ask off-putting questions about it during and afterwards...

Whatever change Twin represents is more in terms of interaction with other people, I think. Most of my other characters would rather be left alone, for the most part; Twin wants to interact.

It probably helps that the denizens of Puzzlebox are self-selected for RL intelligence and quirkiness, of course; there are very few stupid people who are just looking for generic standard het sex in fur. (Not that Puzzlebox, or Twin for that matter, is chaste, or free of spooky people - it's just that the play there tends to be weird, and at least the spookiness is somewhat creative.)

Taking out parts of myself, putting them together in new ways with odd decorations, turning them around and around and occasionally learning something... I dunno. Needs more thought as to significance.

[deraptor.livejournal.com]

Man this is all just sounding horrible familiar it is.