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egypturnashI hate the fact that a part of me thrives on crisis and pressure. Before I'll lift a finger to do certain things, everything around me has to be right up against what's possible, and I have to twitch and stew a little while I watch it rise instead of working, and then I shrug and amble into blurred action. And you almost forget I'm half of the cause of the crisis I just rescued in the first place. I wish I could start working in casually bite-sized chunks at a sane rate, but I just fucking hate wrestling that damned Flash interface so much... I need crisis to kick me to do stuff I dislike.
One of these days the flu (or other outside force) is going to strike then instead of being one of the things that pushed it all to the crisis point this time, and my reputation will crash along with me. I'm sure it's already well into the 'playing with fire' territory. After this past week's tale starts to spread it sure will be.
I would've started moving earlier but the flu knocked me out and jumbled up all the delicate balances that were nearly ready. And then Leviathan on Sunday. What a hell of a ride that week was. Nothing to turbo Disney gig (and pointers to interesting stuff starting elsewhere) to cold to reset to self-beating to spooky shit from the backbrain to Focus with a grin underneath...
Always let on you're a little crazier than you really are, if you're stuck with a 'wizard' reputation. When everything's on fire around you and you're deep in Focus on the Problem At Hand, people should be loathe to touch lest you bite like a Gila monster. The 'crazy' is a double-edged sword, though, I think it bit me a while back.
One of these days the flu (or other outside force) is going to strike then instead of being one of the things that pushed it all to the crisis point this time, and my reputation will crash along with me. I'm sure it's already well into the 'playing with fire' territory. After this past week's tale starts to spread it sure will be.
I would've started moving earlier but the flu knocked me out and jumbled up all the delicate balances that were nearly ready. And then Leviathan on Sunday. What a hell of a ride that week was. Nothing to turbo Disney gig (and pointers to interesting stuff starting elsewhere) to cold to reset to self-beating to spooky shit from the backbrain to Focus with a grin underneath...
Always let on you're a little crazier than you really are, if you're stuck with a 'wizard' reputation. When everything's on fire around you and you're deep in Focus on the Problem At Hand, people should be loathe to touch lest you bite like a Gila monster. The 'crazy' is a double-edged sword, though, I think it bit me a while back.
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Date: 2003-12-01 05:06 pm (UTC)Yeah. Me too. A crisis gets my best work every time. But I realised (yeah, well, who said I was bright?) that...once people know that, they keep you running at crisis temperature. That's how it feels, this heat behind the temples. ALL THE TIME. They did it to me at Monash, and now looking back I realised something kind of horrific.
For over a year, I lived on 3-4 hours sleep a night. Fuck. I'd forgotten that. And my personality changed - I became incrediably aggressive and prone to panic because my body was being constantly told that not only was I in danger, but I had no resources to cope with it. I was becoming regularly violently ill, and I developed shakey hands, migranes, a speech tremor occassionally... You bet I had the 'Wizard' reputation - along with 'Yeah, and she's massively concientious. We can abuse that because she WILL work eighteen hours straight on zero overtime to fix the problem.'
I'm probably still like that, I guess. Only I'm working in a decent place now. Thank God.
Keep an eye on it, 'cause it can turn you into something that's just inhuman, and not in a Monster Girl way. Fuck, I hate Monash more now that I can see it from the outside.
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Date: 2003-12-01 05:33 pm (UTC)In fact this is what all too much of the animation and video game world seems to be like. Never work in video games, they eat you, from what I hear.
After some of Pussy Hunt, though, I kinda set some limits on how far I can be pushed for the good of the project, and my lack of being willing to give heart and soul and sleep and life to work has led some people to say "not team player" "bitch" "difficult" "prima donna" "needs too much management" and so on. Probably "crazy" too.
I'm not consciencious, is what keeps me out of that hole you got into. I need something to fascinate me before I can work on it, or I need everyone around me to be screaming "FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT WE ARE DOOMED FIX IT" before I'll work at stuff I dislike. And I can be pretty bitey then. I'm the other extreme. I don't give a fuck unless it's mine and I kinda let people know it. And they have to push to crisis to get me to move. I'm a fucking vampire or something, geez.
I am the cranky wizard who might solve your problem or might turn you into a toad to get you to shut up, and has this creepy air of simply not understanding you (or maybe just not quite caring ) when you threaten to fire her. "Huh? Fired? Oh, okay, I guess that means I should start working or something." and ten hours later, stupidly casual handing-in of something that pops eyeballs, some totally insane handling of a problem, and back to sleep or to looking out the window. Habits I learnt by skating all the way up to somewhere in college before I needed to, like, study and practice. I am too damn bright and it has left me fucked up in hard to explain ways... Plus other things that broke and bent and warped me, of course.
Babbling. Sorry.
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Date: 2003-12-03 10:26 am (UTC)God, this post brings back the memories. All I can add is that you are oh so right, don't doubt it for an instant.
I toiled like a fool for the first years of my cartoon job-time I will both A)NEVER regain, and B)basically got NO recompense for-including monetary. And this was a union shop, btw. I slept at work, stayed up all night at work, had no private life, never had the time(wasn't "allowed")to visit my family far away, never said "no", basically. Years have added wisdom and what I now know is that you can say "yesyesyes" a thousand times, be the gofer-good little soldier, and if because you're dying of flu or a miscarriage or whathaveyou, the FIRST time you have to say "errr, um, I'm afraid I can't"--you're difficult, a "biatch", "not team player". It's a bullshit, as you know. We do what we do out of a sense of honor, of pride, or of sheer curiosity(that's the way it is for artists)--some would say it's a non-professional attitude, but frankly all the UNprofessionalism I've seen has been on the other side: it's a business when it suits them, you know? And when it suits them, you should be wringing out your soul for "the good of the project". Um, nope. Only, ever, on YOUR project. Which you know and which is why you won't kill anyone or yerself-cause you have an informed healthy outlook.
Do you ever think at times that being a she in this business kind of...leaves something to be desired, in a group setting? Sigh. But that's another story entirely.
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Date: 2003-12-08 08:33 pm (UTC)That show burnt out what Youthful Enthusiasm I had. Especially when it got cancelled so close to the climax. I haven't been on a project I could even begin to care about since. A little, maybe, about the new R&S, but I wasn't able to believe in myself enough to try and change from tech monkey to layout. There's none of me in that show at all.
I think this business leaves a lot to be desired regardless of which icon is on the bathroom you visit. Maybe this whole country does.
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Date: 2003-12-01 05:10 pm (UTC)I thrive on challenges. Not crises, but challenges. I want something to DO.
This puts me in weird situations at times. "Oh, look, something fucked up, let's see what I can do . . ."
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Date: 2003-12-01 05:34 pm (UTC)Challenge me. That interests me. I love a challenge.
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Date: 2003-12-01 05:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-01 08:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-01 09:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-02 06:58 am (UTC)